Not Losing Her
by candlelighter
Summary: Based in imagine: Imagine Loki trying to prepare himself for the eventual day of his mortal lover's death. One-Shot
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Marvel or Loki. **

Warnings, AN: Possibly a little triggering for themes of death, as you may have gathered from the imagine. Sorry for any feels… Hope this is what the imagine was looking for :)

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><p>Loki walked through the streets of her home town on Midgard, he carried a solemn air about him as the worrisome thoughts in his head pressed into his chest. She hadn't been in his life for long, though he supposed, to her it was almost half her life, but for him, it felt like they'd met only yesterday.<p>

That had probably been the best day of his life. Loki had been experimenting with the idea that one could travel through the fabric of space using alternative means of travel besides the Bifrost. He'd discovered these cracks some time ago, hidden sparingly throughout Asgard, from the obscure shadows of the far mountains, to the rolling pebbles that seemed to fall into nothing beneath shimmering river beds.

There had been one particular gateway between the worlds that had changed Loki's life forever. The one that lead to Midgard. He would only rarely ever pass through the ambiguous pathways, as there was no telling what was on the other side, and Loki had fallen through this one quite by accident. It was then that he'd met her, standing before him with mouth agape and wide piercing eyes full of shock. She tried to run away out of fear, but Loki had stopped her. It had taken time to convince her he wasn't going to harm her, but once a trust had been cemented, it was easy for Loki to fall into a deeper connection with her. Much easier than he'd ever thought possible, and it had scared him at first. It had scared him so much that he'd tried to walk away and leave her, move on before she had the chance to walk away first. But he couldn't, and after some tears and confessions of mutual affection and dependence on one another, it became impossible to let go.

It had been perfect really, everything just seemed to fit for Loki once she was with him. He'd convinced her to come with him and settle on Asgard. She'd been living away from her family in the first place, and it was easy for her to stay in Asgard, but she always requested to visit on her loved ones. Odin had taken time to warm up to her, but Frigga had welcomed her with open arms, almost adopting her as the daughter she'd always wanted. They'd been living in their own blissful dream for a number of years before Loki was awakened to a truth he'd always known, but had never considered until recently. She was mortal.

They'd been out on their usual evening walks on one of the many promenades along the Asgardian coasts when she'd requested that they turn in early. She complained of sore joints after riding that morning, and fatigue had been getting the better of her in the past few days. Loki was also worried that she'd concealed some her her ailments from him so as to not provoke his concerns. When he'd asked why she'd been feeling this way for some time now, she merely gave a sad smile and said, "well I'm growing old, Loki."

Growing old she was. While he looked as young as the day they'd met, she was some sixteen years older than when he'd first looked upon her face. She didn't look all that different, and it hadn't bothered Loki when she'd developed her first string of silver hair, it would never matter what she looked like, because he would love her regardless. What had bothered Loki was the feeling that she was moving too fast, that she was getting further away from him and ever closer to her grave. He was going to lose her one day, and that one day would much come too soon for his heart to take.

So Loki had searched, he'd delved into the history of the Æsir, discovering where his immortality stemmed from. It hadn't taken long for him to discover that the Æsir had once relied on the Golden Apples of the World Tree to grant them long youthful lives. That's how they'd originally grown to be the deities they're known to be today. With this, Loki knew what he had to do, and confronted his mortal companion about a possible solution, but it hadn't gone as well as he'd expected;

"I am offering you a way _out, _a way we can truly be together!"

"You're not listening to me Loki! I want to live my natural life, I was born mortal and I will die mortal. I don't deserve to be granted any gifts of immortality when those on Earth aren't. It would be unfair to my family and friends and those I love! I can't watch them all die before me, Loki! I can't leave them behind!" Her voice had punched through the room and into his chest,

"But you'd be leaving me." He almost whispered through the previously energised air, and that broke her, it broke both of them.

"I'm sorry," was all she managed through a swift heavy breath and watery eyes.

He tried to respect her decision, he wanted to, but it was endlessly hard; he was suddenly all too aware of time. Loki wasn't quite sure why he came here, to her home town, the place they'd first met. To reminisce maybe, or to better understand her life before he'd arrived in it, it's what he'd come here for in the past. Or maybe this time it was to better understand the mortality of Migardians; to better understand how death is processed by them.

Strolling up to the large local hospital in his usual Midgardian attire, Loki decided that this would be the place to find out more. He'd used his magical skill to mask his identity and disguise himself as an ordinary doctor, passing through the hospital as an inconspicuous figure amongst many others in this busy workplace.

As he passed by the countless patient's rooms, he stopped to overhear their stories. One little girl had been very exited to go home with her parents, broken arm in a cast, but a smile on her face. Another man had just woken from surgery, muttering through half consciousness as his relieved wife smiled at him, hands clasped onto his. Some were not so fortunate. He heard one of the staff explain to two parents that their daughter had died in surgery because a complication. Another scene Loki came across was the family of a man tearing up as they decided that after all these years, it was time to turn off their loved one's life support, as they lost all hope of him walking from his coma. Another incident involved an adolescent who'd died just a few minutes after arriving at the hospital following a terrible car crash.

However, it was the last thing he saw that hurt the most for him. It was an elderly woman laying in her death bed. She was smiling, she seemed happy with the time she had and content with the family that had grown around her. She was only in the company of a younger woman, her daughter most likely. The daughter was visibly upset, but her mother assured her that everything has it's time and she was glad she'd been blessed with a daughter like her. Not long later her failing heart retired and she died ultimately of her old age. Loki could protect the woman he loved most of all, he could save her fragile Midgardian body from accidents and injuries, defend her from dangers and provide a warm heart to rely on, but he couldn't protect her from her own mortality. That hurt. It hurt that one day she would be that much loved old woman, fading away, and without him.

He couldn't do it, he wasn't strong enough. He couldn't comprehend life after her, and he knew what he had to do.

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><p>"Loki, I never thought I would see your sly face again, not after the last time you caused havoc for me."<p>

"As I recall, Idunn, I saved you from that abominable jotun," Loki replied with a knowing and playful smile,

"Yes, that was, of course, after you lured me into his trap in the first place."

"Minor details, minor details... and I have already expressed my sincerest apologies. But I am not here to discuss the past. I have not come for mischief either, I merely ask that you grant me one of your renowned Golden Apples."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why would you need a Golden Apple? You already possess the lifetime of a god." Idunn inquired, curiosity edged into her brow, "Ohhh, I see. There's a woman isn't there."

"What? What would make you say that?"

"You are not as tactful as you think you are Loki, I can see the truth in your eyes." She smiled in amusement at him, then thinking for a moment, she decided; "All right. I'll give you an Apple. It would appear the nine realms are more at peace since this woman seems to have grounded you somewhat. However, I do not take this lightly Loki, you owe me a great debt."

"Of course," Loki nodded in agreement before the youthful woman before him turned to approach the World Tree, claiming one of the giant apples in her palm.

"She had better be worth it," Idunn stated, handing the apple to Loki. _She is_, he thought.

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><p>A full and bright smile had lit her face when Loki had told her he wanted to try something different for supper that evening by deciding to cook for her, "what a lucky girl I am!" she'd said. Loki smiled at seeing her so happy, but it also masked the guilt he felt inside. He knew she wouldn't be so happy with him later that night. He hoped she'd be able to forgive him.<p>

After a delicious meal consisting of chicken breast, roasted vegetables and a little wine, Loki said he had one more course for her to try. They'd spent the evening in the warm air, talking and laughing as they ate their food and enjoyed each others company. Until that point, Loki had been lightly nervous, but had managed to hold it together, but now, with a slice of golden, crisp apple pie before him and his lover, he became down right agitated.

"Are you okay, Loki?" She asked, curious that he never acted like this, apart from maybe the first time he kissed her.

"Y-yes love, just- just try some of your pie. I spent longer than I'd care to admit making it." Loki finished with a slightly forced sad smile. The woman across him didn't know what to say, if there was something wrong, she trusted Loki would tell her. With a concerned expression she silently agreed and took her first mouthful from her fork. Loki was too uneasy and heavy with imposing guilt to even try to eat. He'd never done anything like this before. Of course he'd caused mischief and deceived people many times, but never her. He never needed to. She trusted him.

"Aren't you going to have some? This tastes amazing."

"I- I mean," Loki had to take a deep breath and swallow, "do you remember what I said about the abilities of the Golden Apples..."

"Yes, you said that if you where able to find Idunn, they might be able to give me immortality, but I said-" and then she seamed to realise with a glance to her plate, "-no." She then looked up to Loki, pleading with her eyes for him to tell her what he knew she was thinking as wrong, that he hadn't done what he was suggesting. Loki only confirmed her suspicion by losing the strength to speak and simply looking the his feet. Her mouth fell open to a small 'o' shape, but not like the same shocked expression she had when they'd first met. True, there was fear visible in her face back then, but also the light of adventure in her eyes at having something so abrupt and exiting pop into her life.

Now was different though, now she was shocked in a different way. There was a sense on pain in her face now, pain at the prospect of Loki's betrayal and blatant denial of her wishes. She'd made her decision clear, and he'd defied that, and as the truth of the situation set in, her face paled a little and her ears went red in anger and shock. She took a deep shaky breath as she started to feel the magic filling her from her core to her skin.

"Love, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just, I couldn't handle the thought of being without you-" She couldn't even look at him as she stood from her seat. She understood why he'd done it. She doesn't think she'd be able to live without him either, and it wasn't like she wanted to leave Loki, but she thought she had the choice to dictate her own life. She decided she needed to be alone now. Before Loki could gather his words into the heavy breath in his lungs, she stormed off out of their chambers.

She didn't come back that night. Loki didn't look for her. He knew that from now on their relationship would be on her terms, and if she wanted space, he'd give her space, and if she wanted to leave him... then she could leave him, so long as she was alive. But Norns Loki hoped she could find a way to forgive him.


	2. Chapter 2

**So this is a continuation of_ Not Losing Her_ that I didn't think I'd write, buuut I did :) **

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><p><strong><em>Not Losing Him<em>**

_5 years, 7 months and 23 days._

That's how long she's been gone. He remembered the last time he saw her, walking out of their chambers,leaving Loki with a bitter expression and tears welling in his eyes. He'd used his magic to burn the remaining golden pie in a green glow of anguish.

Sure, Loki had felt guilt, remorse, sorrow. But it was only the next morning that he felt something so much heavier as he saw the light of the Bifrost fade into the unknown from his window.

Thor had been the one to sadly convey the news that the woman Loki loved most had left, and he may never see her again. After his mother had died, she was all he had to keep his mind away from those who would abhor and despise him after his true parentage and crimes came to light, and with her gone now, he suddenly felt unbalanced.

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><p><em>11 years, 10 months and 6 days.<em>

Loki hadn't had the courage to look through the couple of chests she'd left behind until now. He found a small pressed flower encased in glass. It was one of the flowers in the first bouquet he'd given her back on Midgard. It was in an effort to make his feelings more obvious since she seemed to be completely oblivious to his previous attempts at courting. Loki smiled at the memory of her giddy grin at his bashfulness.

He then lifted a small jewellery box from the chest and set it on the ground where he knelt, along with various other trinkets and memorabilia that had once been held by the woman who was only a memory to Loki now. Unpacking the chest, his gaze fell on a photo laying flat on several books. She'd described to Loki the 'science' and meaning behind what Midgardians call a 'photo', and this was one that she always had with her. I was a picture of her family; her mother and father, two older twin sisters and a younger brother, all fitted tightly into this small snapshot of time. Her father had died just a few years before they'd met, but her family had struggled on.

Loki wondered how they were doing now, if her mother was still holding up, if her brother had grown to be as tall as he stood, if maybe _she_ had found someone new. The thought wrapped around his heart and tightened his chest. He would have the backbone to see Heimdall and ask for the answer he didn't entirely want one of these days. It was about a decade since Loki had last asked Heimdall to use his all powerful sight to ensure the well being of his love. That was because Heimdall had reluctantly told Loki that at that moment she'd been preparing to spend the evening on a 'date'. A mostly Midgardian term she'd once explained to him while on their own little romantic outing, but that had been a long time ago.

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><p><em>14 years, 3 months and 12 days.<em>

Today is her birthday. Loki had always promised he'd taker her to Vanaheim one of these days, and he'd planned to take her there on her next birthday before she left, but of course, never got the chance.

Loki had finally gained the courage to request a little insight into his old lover's life one again. Heimdall told him that she seemed very happy, and spent her birthday with her family. That was good. It was good that she was happy. Loki wanted her to be happy. That was why he hadn't gone after her when she'd left to live for as long as she could with those that she loved on Midgard. Loki couldn't bring himself to inquire about any other man in her life, however.

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><p><em>19 years, 2 months and 12 days.<em>

Loki remembered what Idunn had said back by the World Tree; _I do not take this lightly Loki, you owe me a great debt. _He certainly remembered when he received a letter from her requesting his assistance.

Idunn explained in her correspondence her ordeal with a thief who appeared to come from Alfheim. When picking her apples, this thief had stolen her basket, and if anyone caught wind of her carelessness which lead to the outcome of a great crime, she would surely be punished. Idunn was calling upon Loki's debt to her, requesting that he find this thief and either retrieve or destroy what was stolen, and all with the utmost secrecy.

The forlorn prince agreed, not only to repay Idunn, but also to distract his troubled mind. He told the All-father that he was going on a hunting trip and needed time alone. Odin had been reluctant to trust Loki not to make mischief, but recently he had not stepped out of line, and a trip such as this would truly test Loki's loyalties; thus Loki journeyed to Alfheim in search of a thief.

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><p>Thor did not get the chance to see Loki before he left, in-fact, he wasn't even aware of his departure until a few days later. This was because Loki would spend days on end in the company of his own mind, so it was not unusual to only every rarely catch a glimpse of him. Thor had marched up to the All-father and protested Loki's permission to leave, saying it was too greater risk, and that he would go after Loki. However, it wasn't long after Thor's outburst that he saw him again, but not in the state he had wanted to.<p>

Loki had tracked down his thief through the trail of sceptical and intrigued whispers of what was stolen from Idunn, and he had greatly underestimated where it would lead him. It had been an unpleasant surprise for Loki to find that Alfheim was not only inhabited by one thief, or maybe a scattered handful, but in-fact an entire gang, almost an army, actually. He'd had to improvise somewhat when he'd come across this underground society of criminals; he weaved his infamous lies, claiming that he felt no loyalties to Asgard, and was an outlaw now. Loki told the thieves that he was there to see if the stories of the stolen Golden Apples were true, and if perhaps he could purchase once to cause his own chaos.

The fugitives didn't entirely trust Loki, but still allowed him to get closer to the target of his mission. It hadn't, however, taken long for those around Loki to realise what he was up to after he tried to sneak the Apples out of sight. They'd attacked him, swinging daggers and axes, leaving Loki no choice but to burn the bag filled with Golden Apples, just like he had done to the pie he'd fed _her _all those years ago. Loki had been able to fight his way through a few dozen criminals, but he wasn't prepared for the large horned animal that charged at him before he could slip away.

Loki had just made it off of Alfheim, but the journey back to Asgard had really done damage. Interstellar travel was hardly a smooth ride for someone with so many injuries. By the time Thor made it to the Bifrost, Loki had already collapsed onto the floor, the green of his armour drowning into red. He'd been admitted to the Healing Ward as soon as was possible, but it was still not soon enough. Loki's body had lost a lot of blood and suffered a lot of trauma, resulting in a deep coma. The Healers had tried their very best, but at the end of the day, one of them had to take the responsibility of telling a very distressed Thor that the younger prince would not survive any longer than another four days or so. Thor stormed out of the ward in fury; _he __isn__'t supposed to di__e__ like this! __Was was he even doing of Alfheim? __He was so close to redeeming himself in the eyes of the House of Odin! __He's supposed to live a __good __long life, with the woman that he loves! _

Many speculated as to why she'd left all those years ago, the woman from Midgard who could truly love the God of Lies, but Thor knew the truth. She'd told him everything that had happened, and he'd tried to convince her not to leave Asgard, leave Loki, as she was what held him together, but she'd insisted that she didn't have the heart to go back to him, not now at-least. _Would she want to know what had happened to Loki? _Yes, she would. Thor knew she truly loved Loki, and it would break her to know what had happened to him. The thought of this brought new pain to Thor's anguished expression.

"My Prince?" Thor heard a voice from behind him. Turning, he saw it was one of the healers approaching him, "the other healers did not want to tell you this, as it is impossible to obtain, but there may be a way to heal Prince Loki." Thor's eyes lit at this,

"Go on,"

"Long ago, we were as mortal as any Midgardian, but the ancient Asgardian's consumed Golden Apples when they grew old that would reduce them back to youth. The Apples not only provided a long life-span, but also strength and health and much more. With one of these Golden Apples, we may have a chance of resorting Prince Loki to health," Thor's expression quickly changed to one of hope as he stood up straight with new optimism,

"Thank the Norns! Why would the healers not want me to know?"

"Well, you see, my prince, they feel the prospect is a lost cause," Thor frowned at this as the healer went on, "You see, word has spread that Idunn has gone into hiding for fear of someone stealing what she is charged to protect, and she has masked the whereabouts of the World Tree. We probably would be able to locate her, but not in time to save the Prince. The only other possibility I can think of is someone with the Golden Apple in their blood. Anyone who consumes an Apple will have its magic in their veins for the rest of their prolonged life, but Asgardians haven't needed to eat them for hundreds of centuries..." The healer had a point, there seemed to be no efficient way of retrieving what they needed. Thor crossed his arms, and looked to the ground, feeling very deflated once more, "... it's impossible." And then he remembered _her. _

"No. No it's not impossible." Thor stated, becoming more enthusiastic and looking the healer in the eye. "Thank you. Thank you, you are brilliant!" He said, before sprinting off to make his way once again to the Bifrost, leaving a slightly blushing woman behind.

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><p>He wasn't really sure if he was alive or not. He couldn't see anything. He felt soft, like warm water had filled his body. Supporting him. Almost like he was water. He couldn't remember where he was. Even who he was. It wasn't important. He decided he didn't want to. Didn't want to remember. Thoughts seemed to fall in and melt away.<p>

Time was negligible. He hadn't felt this at peace in a very long time. But why? Why had he been so burdened?

A face. A woman. An apple. And pain. And regret. And loss. Loki. That was his name. He was Loki who had lost. He had lost the illusion cast over his eyes since he was a child. Lost the life he thought he would always have. Lost the people he loved. Lost himself. It would appear he'd lost his life as well. What life did he have anyway. Sure he was a so called 'prince'. But it was fake. It was meaningless. And she wasn't there. He wouldn't have his mother's wisdom to comfort him, and he wouldn't have his love's smile to warm his heart. What would be the point in waking up? He would just be as dead awake as he is now.

He then started to feel heavier, like the water was draining away. His weight started to become real again. He started to become real again. He could move, almost, but his eyes were heavy, he was heavy. And then light broke through, and it felt like a star rolling into the void.

Thought started to stay. He started to feel. And he felt like he was falling. His stomach was being absorbed from within his core and he felt a pressure on his back. What was that? Different light entered his eyes. Different colours, different shapes. Loki was laying on something. A bed. Soft lights swam above him, then became still and fixed. Loki realised he wasn't alone. There were people bustling about. And a larger figure. It was the unmistakable Thor. And _her._ She was there. Or maybe he had imagined it. But he saw her face and heard her voice and felt her lips as she kissed his forehead and told him to sleep.

And then the water came back. And he fell again.

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><p>Loki didn't know how long he'd been asleep, but when he woke again, he felt full of energy and life. He lifted his body into a sitting position as a healer approached him. He asked Loki a long list of questions about how he was feeling and fed him medicine as he started to remember that he'd been attacked,<p>

"What happened to me? How am I even still alive?"

"You were in an awful state when you arrived, sire, none of us thought you would live. It was lucky Prince Thor found her before it was too late." Found who? It couldn't be _her_, could it? No, it couldn't be, he just thought that because he wanted it to be true. "If it wasn't for her Golden laced blood, you most certainly would have died." _By the nine-_

"Loki! You have awakened!" Thor walked into the ward and approached Loki with a large grin as he stood from the bed, "It is good to see you well again, but I still can't understand what business you had on in the realm of Alfheim that got you into such trouble."

"That will have to be a tale for another time, Thor. You must tell me, is it true? Is- is _she _here? Is she well?" Loki asked, to which Thor gave a knowing smile,

"Why don't you come see for yourself?" He replied, before turning away and walking through the entrance to the Healing Ward, where Loki followed with a heavy beating heart.

They entered a large golden lounge to the welcoming company inside.

"Loki! Your health is restored once more! It is good to see you back to your old self." Volstagg exclaimed in an upbeat boom, Loki honestly didn't expect anyone to be happy to see him again,

"It is indeed," that voice. Her voice. Loki looked to his right to see her leaning, arms crossed with a small smile on her face, against one of the pillars encompassing the room. Loki lost all his words. All the words he wanted to say to her, all the words he'd recited and perfected in his head in-case he ever got the chance to see her again. The only thing that filled his mind was her.

She wore Midgardian garments, deep denim blue jeans and a long sleeved emerald jumper. She looked just as she had done all those years ago. Happier though, compared to the very last time he saw her.

"You haven't forgotten me, have you Loki?" She asked in reply to his shocked silence, an expression of amusement on her face, but still a hint of genuine worry,

"I could never forget you." He replied, so quietly that she only just about heard.

"Will you walk with me? I haven't seen the gardens in forever," she asked, choosing not to reply to his answer, just yet at-least,

"Of course."

They entered the gardens in an awkward silence, neither really know how the other felt.

"How have you been fairing?" Loki started as they walked through the twilight air,

"Well. I've been well..." she almost sounded as through she wanted to say more, "and yourself?"

"I- I've missed you. I can't lie, I've missed you so dearly," Loki stopped walking, and she reflected his movements as they faced each other. There was a pause before he spoke again, "I will never be able to find the words or the means to show you how sorry I am for taking control of your life like that. I don't expect you to forgive me, I couldn't, I just-"

"I understand, Loki, now more than every after seeing you laying in that ward... You looked dead. I think I forgave you some time ago, but couldn't bring myself to just return to Asgard, to see you again, and to leave my old life behind." As they talked with one another, they grew a better understanding of each other, and it almost felt as though no time had passed at all. Each got slightly teary-eyed at one point or another, but in the end they would share a laugh that only reminded them further of why they loved each other.

"Will you go back to Earth soon?" Loki inquired in all seriousness,

"At some point, yes. But I do intend to stay here for a while, if that's okay with you," she replied with a smile to him,

"I'd prefer you never leave."

"Well, perhaps sometime soon, I could move back to the palace. That is, if there is still a place for me."

"Of course there is, there with always be a place for you," Loki replied truthfully. He'd made a point of never lying to her, she didn't deserve anything less, and he didn't find it hard to accomplish. He always wanted to tell her everything he was thinking. Loki took a deep breath and looked to the ground, "You'll give me another chance then?"

"If you'll let me," she replied with a smile that made Loki respond with one of his own as she took his hand in hers. And for the first time, in a long time, Loki felt like everything would be okay.


End file.
